Time for a poetry makeover

My residency will be ending soon with 6th graders; so, session 9 felt like the right time this week for a poetry makeover. I made a joke about how we were not going to put eyelashes or lip gloss on our poems, instead we discussed how poets find ways to improve their writing. Together we looked at examples of first draft vs a revised draft of the poem “The Separation,” by Water’s Elementary student Melanie M.J. Melanie added similes and sensory details to make her writing stronger and engaging.

6th graders looked back at old poems that we have written during our time together. Students were asked to choose one poem, they wished to rewrite, edit, or complete. They rearranged their stanzas, omitting some lines, while writing new lines with vivid descriptions,

Most students edited and completed poems they didn’t get to finish weeks before, while others created brand new poems. Please enjoy these polished poems below.

Mr. Barr 6th grade Group 1

How the Zombie was Created by Martin R.

He was a normal man living,
until he went into an alley
where he found a piece of bread,
with black mold on the bread.

But he didn’t see.
He ate it, his body started
to turn into a zombie.

Then he started hunting
people down with the bread.

One by one everyone turned zombies.
After that everyone was zombie,
including animals.

Fool-me-not by Savannah H.

I’m just like the other ones, were fragile but still
plenty. We’re looking for answers, even if we don’t
have any. One heart broken off to give back to our
comrades. I’m doing my part cuz a part is all I have.

When I see you, whole and kind as ever maybe
you’re the one that keeps us together.

I wish that I was like u, a pretty lil fool, this dance
isn’t for 2, still your keepin your cool like a
nourishing rain, ur the sweetest pain as I’m
washin away, my mask washin away. I can’t paint
it back on, can’t hide like I do, can’t prove that I’m
that I’m strong when they’re lookin at u.

Fool me-Fool me not! Fool me, fool me not! Fool me, fool me not!

Your too nice, no its alright, I’ll do this on my own.
I don’t need ur pity but it feels like I’m at home. Ur
too much, ur blinding light, shines, it lands on me
though, I wanna shine by myself, I can’t help my albedo.

But I see you, whole and kind as ever, maybe you’re the one
that’s keepin me together.

I wish that I wasn’t like u but that not how it goes.
This dance isn’t for 2 so don’t step on my toes! I’m
the wind, ur the clouds, don’t need you around,
I’m not lost, but I’m found, ur lost and your down,
I’ll pick you up. I’ll be what u need, make sure ur
safe, u and our lil team! will be what u are.

I wish I could be u, trapped but free, I wish I can
be myself the way u see me, I know you can see
thru the lies I have to weave! If only I can tell u I
can tell u I just don’t want you to leave . . .

Fool me-Fool me not! Fool me, fool me not! Fool me, fool me?

I wish that I was like u, a pretty lil fool, this dance
isn’t for 2, still your keepin your cool like a
nourishing rain, ur the sweetest pain as I’m
washin away my mask, washin’ away. I can’t paint
it back on, can’t hide like I do! Can’t prove that I’m
I’m strong when they’re lookin at u.

Why can’t it be the same? Can’t I be the same?  Can’t you be the same? Can’t we be the same?  Together! TO-GET-HER!

Mr. Barr 6th grade Group 2

Rain by Mariana G.

One day, one of the gods was crying,
so, it started to rain.
In order to make it stop raining, we have
to turn into unicorns with wings and by
candy to give to the gods.
EVERYONE has to turn into unicorns with
wings and buy candy.
If no one turns into unicorns with wings
and buys candy, the god is gonna be mad
and instead of rain it’s gonna be thunder storming.

And it’s not gonna be like light thunder storming,
its going to be bad thunder storming, like strong.
So first, I turn into a unicorn with wings, and the
rest if the world did too.

Then, I went to the store to buy candy, like
chocolates, lollipops, and etc.

Then everybody started flying.

The Shiny Gold Planet by Fernando H.

I gave people a ticket to my
shiny gold planet.

A planet far, far away
like Shrek’s and Fiona’s castle.

A planet where the air smells
like candy.

A planet where the ocean is
very cold.

A planet where there
is no school.

A planet far, far away called:
Shiny Gold planet.

Patrick, The Hunger by Alexander J.

One natural day, the Krusty Krabs closed,
and Mr. Krabs said it died.

Everyone cheered at the Krusty Krabs closing
and Pizza Krabs opening.

But one star was weeping and the Krabby
Pattie discontinued.
He went to ask Sponge Bob why,
and he said,” Everyone gets more money.”

Patrick got so mad, he ate Sponge Bob,
and went to Squidward.
Squidward said, “Get over it.”
So he ate him too.

Then, he went to Mr. Krabs house, when Pearl
the whale opened the door, he ate her.

Then he asked Mr. Krabs why, and he said, “Money.”
So, he made him into Michillin Star Crab
and ate him.

He swallowed houses, towns, cities,
until Gary came.

They battled and battled,
when one was winning, the other
tried harder.

Until Gary got thrown way, and Patrick
continued and sometimes leaves the sea.

Now everyone lives in fear.

Donut Planet by Valetino R.

You may eat it, but will explode.
This donut will flip if you try to eat it.
If you see this planet it will be too wild.
If you be nice to the donut, it will be able
to not harm you.
It can turn to an inflatable.
If you eat a part of the donut, you have
have to the earth inside.
If you eat it, you will become a sprinkle donut.
You can treat it wrong, but if you treat it right
it will be a fun experience.

Mr. Barr 6th grade Group 3

My Cake 2.0 by Martin G.

Get the ingredients ready.
Turn the oven on.
Put my cake in.
Wait 30 minutes.
Take it out.
Design it the way I want.
And dig into the sweet and soft cake.
A mix of vanilla and chocolate.
The mix of flavors are so good, I might cry.

Batman 2.0 by Adolfo H.

In the mornings Batman isn’t Batman,
he’s Bruce Wayne.

He’s a millionaire and sells software,
at day, but by night he suits up and
starts fighting bad guys.

At night he’s saving Gotham City
with his side kick Robin at
Wayne Enterprises.

Saving the city ius key for Wayne,
he does not like Joker and hates
him all his heart.
His best friend is Robin.

He loves his life with all his heart
and enjoys saving Gotham City.
If you eat it, you will become a sprinkle donut.
You can treat it wrong, but if you treat it right
it will be a fun experience.

Javion Red Planet by Jamir J.

The day I landed on my planet.
I was sweating but it was because
my planet was mad.
But when it let the steam out,
her turned blue which means
he is cold, but not too cold.

Sometimes, I can see birds fighting and
talking every day, and all day.
They don’t listen; I told them to shut up.

I can cook so much good food on my planet.
If you want to eat on my planet, go ahead.

You can cook anything on my planet.

Pinkie Pie by Amira L.

Pinkie Pie is very hyperactive, cheerful,
outgoing, overwhelming energy and very pink.
Pinkie Pie frequently breaks the fourth wall,
sings songs, plans parties, and uses her “pinkie
sense,” to predict danger.

When Pinkie Pie gets sad, her hair gets
sad like melted cotton candy.
And when Pinkie Pie is very happy,
she likes to take the first sip of an
energy drink.

Also, when Pinkie Pie is mad, she turns
into a darker pink.

And when she gets shy, she turns into
a really light pink.

I’d say that Pinkie Pie is a very cool
pony to ever meet.

Sensitivity Poem by Luluwa Y.

Just because I act all tough,
does not mean I’m not weak.

I only keep that mask on cuz
if I’m soft, then I’m easy,
then I have to deal with everyone
and everything!

I’m more fragile than you think.
One insult hits me like a brick.
Laugh it off like it was nothing.

You don’t have to bully me
in order to be friends.
Just get along and we’ll
be fine, but pick on me,
we are enemies.

 

Mr. Barr 6th Grade Group 4

Rellenitos by Kristen B.

I love to eat rellenitos,
they’re as hard as cold
starburst.
They are so delicious,
sweet, but spicy.
As red as cherries,
and as good as itself.
You can by them at a
Mexican candy store.
They just melt in
mouth.

How to be Magical like a Unicorn by Nicole R.

Unicorns are very magical animals.
They leave glitter and sparkles
everywhere they go
They carry bits of joy in each step.
I’m very magical like a unicorn.
My personality reminds me
their joyfulness.

When I see myself, I see a glitter unicorn.
I am a unicorn.

The Thought Plant by Jaylah V.

Sometimes my head can say:
I love ny eyes
I love my hair color
I love my hands.

I cannot be in the mood by:

Not getting enough water
Not listening to music
Not journaling
No color.

The flowers will die for
not doing all this stuff.

More 6th grade Artwork